When I decided to write this letter I initially believed that it was
you that needed to hear this, but later I realized it was me that
needed it more than you.
I'm not sure when I exactly realized I needed it more than you, but
after so many years of silence and resistance it came to me.....
I have a whole lot of love in my heart, although I am not sure where
it all came from. Because you were not the chief architect in my
understanding of how one should love...
It pains me to know what you suffered; physically, mentally,
emotionally, verbally. I still can not imagine it all totally, though
part of me refuses to do so. But can you really blame me? If I do then
I open myself to accepting your absence fully.
Your absence opened up the spirit of my suffering, pain, doubt and
insecurity in my own definition of womanhood. In this wide open space
of absence I struggled to find the true definition of womanhood. I
fought off what should not have been a battle. I had no where to run
when fog blocked my clear vision and clarity.....I had no shelter...I
was left elsewhere to figure it all out
And still in the midst of figuring it all out there is no way to
fully explain the void your absence has left me and at the same time
i realize there is no replacement for your absence.
In my quest to fill the void I have learned that the heartache I feel
for the loss of you is Truly indescribable.
Forever I will be a little girl with a packed brown paper bag with no
where to go...looking out that subterranean window...waiting for your
feet to walk by....
Your void forced insecurity to settle in my soul...in the DNA of my
womanhood. And all my life I have sought to rid my soul of this....
I had no one to talk to about this, no one I knew had this type of
suffering...no where to run when it seemed that I would never truly
figure out this pain and keep it all together..
I imagine that if I hadn't been blessed with the thought that this is
not all so bad, imagining it could be worse...... even though this space can
never be filled by anything...I have been rewarded by others, events
and experiences that show me just how awesome life is even with the
absence of you.
The risk of not seeing and breathing in life to it's fullest has been
my greatest vision. And I hold tightly and firmly to that vision all
No, words will never be able to describe the nights I cried for
something I never had...just how did I know what to miss when I never
had it....I never felt your love and yet I longed for it....and
regretfully even as I pen this....I long for it...
I'm sure that there are many things I don't understand, won't
understand or even refuse to understand....maybe one day I will let
go....maybe one day I will no longer be that little girl....maybe I
don't want to let that little girl go though......
To let her go may force me to let go of that girlish optimisim that
one day through that window I will see your feet walk towards me.....